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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me Iām pretty.