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After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.