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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.