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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.