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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..