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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.