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Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro