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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.