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I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.