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Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.