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I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.