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I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.