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Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."