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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her