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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.