Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.