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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
I think, therefore i`m single.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?