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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work