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Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.