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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.