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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.