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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!