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I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.