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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.