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You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
You look like I need another drink
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.