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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(