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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.