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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.