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The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.