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I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?