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I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.