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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
You make me want to be a drunker person
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?