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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.