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never be afraid to wipe twice
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
I wish common sense was more common.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.