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A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.