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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver