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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I may be asking too much of this coffee.