Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.