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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.