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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.