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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."