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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?