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If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me