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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.