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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.