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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.