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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Do you really have to breath that much?
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.