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Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
My mind has a mind of its own.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!