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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?