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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage