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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. Iām sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.