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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
Iām not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.