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Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
I just threw up my weekend.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."