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Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.