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No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.