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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.