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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
really vry funny
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.