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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.