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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.