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I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"