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As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.