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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling