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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.