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Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"