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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Hash browns not tags.